A GAP Woman's Reflection

So I've been back for a few days now. It was kind of a culture shock. Mostly the people. There people are in your face every moment of every day. You get no privacy and honestly, I think most people don't want it. Here you get privacy. Too much maybe, but you get time to reflect, to sit alone, to go somewhere alone. It's so, so different. The smells are different, the accent, the language. It is so clean here...but it's lonely too in a way that it could never be in India.



On a side note:

I’m so thankful I’m in Theta Nu Xi. I didn’t realize that the real world would be even more deeply segregated than the schools I’m used to. I’m fortunate because from what I’ve observed of TNX G.A.P women, multiculturalism doesn’t end on graduation day- these women are living and breathing it just as strongly as they did in college if not more so. I think it’s during this time after college that a Theta Woman’s values that she shares with her organization are truly tested. No longer are we protected within a University hub where “diversity” is not only a goal but a requirement for the staff, administration and
involved student body. We no longer have the constant support system of sisterhood- our family away from family- in our faces the way we
were used to.


When went to IU, Theta Nu Xi was my oxygen. I made mistakes, learned a lot and grew more than I could have imagined. I made lasting friendships and found acceptance on a level I hadn’t
experienced prior to becoming a sister. I shared secrets, experienced different worlds and had my values, logic and ideas tested time and time again. I learned to push my limits and seek help and
support from others. I learned how to teach others, to take advice with a grain of salt and to speak in front of more than five people
without feeling nauseous. I learned that mistakes aren’t the end of the world, and true friends are truly one in a million. I learned not to waste time with people who held grudges over nonsense, and to give help freely but to keep unfair treatment in the back of my mind. I learned to beware of those who waste time attempting to manipulate the world around them, and those too stubborn to see more angles than their own. Insecurities that have lead to these ways of life must have taken time to develop, but are quickly contagious if one is
surrounded by people infected.

Most importantly I learned that not only can you not please everyone,
but sometimes you really have to agree to disagree. Everyone’s opinion
is valid, and at the same time if someone’s thoughts, methods or ideas
seem crazy or wrong to you that’s okay too.

Outside of the protective university grounds everyone isn’t young.
People work, pay bills, go to bed early and wake up really, really
early. The world outside as a whole is more segregated than I would
have ever imagined- in every way that a world CAN be segregated.
People want to create their lives and raise their children with the
culture and traditions they know, and either at the same comfort level
they enjoyed growing up or better. There’s nothing wrong in this, and
a very passionate part of me wants to do the same on some level- but I
chose to seek out and build the little world that surrounds me for a
reason, and don’t want to let it go either.

I’m at the point where in the next few years I’ll have to decide the
routine and course my life should take- and whether it will have a regular routine and a straight course. There’s no reason it
shouldn’t…I don’t know of any ancestors I had that were wanderers. Most of us find comfort in routine. This is something I’ve learned more fully living in India. As time goes on routine and the wisdom we gain from aging gives us a comfort in a way few things continue to do.

The world no longer beckons to us with its mystery and opportunities for self discovery. We grasp on to a way of life we knew, making only
the adaptations truly necessary and hold on. If we’re lucky, we are motivated enough to find ways to exercise our minds- a class, religion, creatively improving and furthering our life’s work,
reading…or we just waste away sort of.

We watch time go by.

I guess at this point in my life, when I see someone following the
same routine- doing the same thing day after day with no other plans,
that’s what it seems like to me.

It seems boring to me, like waiting to die- with no future goals in mind.

Everyone my age that I know is working towards something- even if
they don’t know what it is yet. This is very, very different than
settling into a routine that will be your life forever- for as long as
you can take care of yourself.

So during this gap year I have between undergrad and whatever that life for me is, I'm determined to set new goals and to learn, learn, learn every moment of every day! I want to strengthen my body and my mind and my skills...and with drive, determination, faith and support I KNOW I can :)

ONE LOVE and mine...

SUNdarita

Discipline

Anyone close to me can tell you I’ve never quite mastered the art of discipline.

My room always looks like a tornado went through it, I cram for tests,
I’ve only kept a regular workout plan for two weeks tops. Sometimes I
think my mother things it’s going to be the end of me. I will never
forget the day she found an old, withered banana in my car and almost
cried wondering where she’s gone wrong in raising me.

The only thing I’ve stuck with for a long time is dance classes- and
even those varied in accordance to styles, teachers and colleagues
throughout the years.

Maybe that’s why I feel like I’m never reaching my full potential-
like I’m never pushing myself to the limit I should. Maybe I like the
adrenaline rush that comes with being almost the way that I am.

In Hinduism, for those who breathe it- discipline is a practitioner’s
bread and butter. Look at Gandhiji and the way he lived his life.
(I'm talking about satyagraha, not his preoccupation with controlling his sexual urges) There’s something peaceful and sane about it. The most vivid description I can think of is
Malcolm X’s description of his brother’s home- his first view of the
Nation of Islam’s interpretation of Islam as a way of life, the start
of every morning with prayer, and the order of the household. This
discipline that he adopted made him a better, more focused man. He
grew to have more peace within himself and to produce ideas that
included more than his piece of the world.

I’m still lost when it comes to putting it into action. The actual
tasks that result in a disciplined life seem mundane to me, and I have
little patience with it. When I daydream of one day raising children
I’m proud of, I think about guiding them in fashioning their
character, teaching them to nurture active consciences, ask questions
and be analytical thinkers- safe keepers of unique moral codes that
will be their life-long compasses.

Maybe I’ll incorporate more discipline into my life, and if I’m able
to do so, I hope the inspiration strikes sometime soon. I could
really, really use it.

Rains

note: I apologize for any grammatical errors...the internet is slow here...I don't have the patience to edit right now in detail. I will when I return.

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The rains are here in full force! There’s an elementary school in our backyard…so I usually peek out the balcony during recess when I’m home and watch the kids playing- the girls in dark blue skirts, hair pleated with red ribbons and the boys in matching blue pants and red ties. In the afternoons they gather for lunch, mothers or servants sending over hot “tiffins” filled with everything they would get to eat if they were home: Roti, rice, daal, vegetable, and yoghurt. My mother went to this school and grew up in the apartment I’m staying in now. Sometimes I like to look outside and imagine what her life must have been like- bringing friends and cousins home for lunch, wearing a strict uniform every day, getting “rain days” off instead of my “snow days.”

Today the playground is flooded and the kids are in their classrooms, but they will come out to the shaded outdoor area for lunch.

The rain pours loudly, drowning out the sounds of teachers giving lessons, children’s chatter and even the steady call to prayer that comes five times a day from the Masjid nearby. This rain is like a thick blanket of white noise with a clear exception. Where white noise is a natural part of the sound spectrum, it is perceived as unpleasant and unnatural- an irritating sound. The rains have the opposite affect, their calming rhythm means changes in daily routine- hanging clothes to dry indoors, scolding the children upstairs for disposing of excess water in a way that disturbs our home, and of course a very wet journey for those who decide to venture outside- but Indians adjust to these changes with reverence for the season.

People in India understand that rain helps maintain life as they know it. If the day comes where we no longer have rains, the world will suffer greatly for it.

I’m glad though, that I don’t have to travel in it today.